Hey everyone. Today’s post isn’t exactly the cheery post you’d expect from me, but it is about a big part of my life, my struggles with anxiety.
Now, you may be wondering, “Have you seen a doctor? Have you been diagnosed?”
The short answer, is no. I know in myself that what I have felt and still feel on occasions is anxiety, so do my family, fiance and friends. I wouldn’t take any medication for it, so what good would seeing a doctor do?
This first started happening to me in Nursery, I’d be so bad with my anxiety that I’d point blank refuse to go. If I did end up, by some miracle going in, I’d sit on my own, not talking to anyone, not taking part in class, running away from teachers and students that even tried to come too close to me. I would scream the place down if they tried to make me go and join in. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to or didn’t want to learn, it was more the social aspect of everything that frightened me. After a rocky first few weeks in Nursery, my mum decided to take me out and leave it for another year. The next year was fine, I don’t really remember much up until Infants. In infants school, I was bullied a lot. Which, as you can imagine, doesn’t help anyone with anxiety. So, I would make up stuff, make up people to play with in my head, kinda talk to myself rather than push myself to try and talk to anyone else, whom I thought were all talking about me and making fun of me. The bullying carried on the Comprehensive school, same things, different school years. It got to the point where I moved schools, but of course, word travels fast about the girl who would sit talking to herself in school & would basically cry if anyone talked to her, so then the bullying carried on in the new school.
Then, I became sick. I had to stop going to school and got a home tutor, who was amazing. I did two of my GCSE’s and came out with passes, went on to go to college, meet amazing people, sorta slowly push myself and overcome my bounderies and then, Anti NMDA hit me with a relapse like a tonne of bricks. I was out of College for a month or so, and when I came back, no one in my class would talk to me properly. Of course, to them I’d just left without warning, but still, there was no need to ignore me completely. I finished the year, passing most things I could catch up on, then went onto a different College to do a completely different course which I hated, so I quit.
Luckily for me, a drama school a few of my friends went to was having auditions and I went, on a wim, and got in! I was so happy there, with all of my friends, singing, dancing and acting! Then, once again, Anti NMDA showed it’s ugly face, and I ended up back in a hospital ward. I kept in touch with all of my friends this time, I thought about what happened last time and as I still blamed myself for it, decided I had to stop it happening anywhere else. To this day, I still talk to my drama friends.
Now, my anxiety still affects me. Everyday life is a struggle and I don’t know what will happen from one day to the next, but now I know I am not alone. I have my family, I have Aaron and I have my friends. I’m still pushing myself and trying to overcome bounderies and silly things that have been big anxiety buttons in my head.
Well, I guess that’s it right now for my anxiety story,
Thanks for reading,